What Are They So Afraid Of?

In the aftermath of the many suicides and deaths of gay youths recently, I find myself remembering my grade school and high school experiences. They were, sadly, not very fun for me. Like many confused gay youth I just wanted to be accepted. The very thought that I was somehow different and would be an outsider was just unacceptable. I did my best to fit in but no matter what I did or how hard I tried I was never accepted by the "normal" crowd. It seemed that everyone knew that I was gay. That is, everyone but MYSELF knew. And they went out of their way to let me know how awful and different I was: The name calling in the hallways ("Hey, faggot!"), the notes in my locker, and the physical bullying (pushing me to the ground or shoving me into the wall) became part of my daily routine. They really seemed determined to beat me down; not just physically but emotionally.

And it almost worked.

I remember thinking about ending my life. Thinking that no existence was preferable to the one I was living. Hating myself for finding other boys attractive. Believing that the only reward that waited for me after this life was an eternity of Hell. But no matter how bad I felt, I just couldn't bring myself to end it all. I set my sights on a life outside of my tiny town; a life in which I could explore who I was and finally, be unafraid. For the better part of my high school existence I hid at home, waiting for graduation and the opportunity to escape my tormentors. When the day finally came, I left for greener and more liberal pastures, without so much as a goodbye to my so-called 'classmates'.

Now, as a happy homosexual, I realize that living through it all has made me infinitely stronger and has given me an insight to the psyche of the bully. It is this hard won knowledge that has allowed me stand up to the bullies in my life and given me the strength to be stronger than their fear.

But it also begs the question: What are they so afraid of?

I understand that heterosexual men are conditioned from birth to be 'manly' in our society; to not express their emotions or show weakness, because these are feminine traits and are undesirable in any real "man". But why does it matter to them if others are comfortable with their femininity? How in the world does this affect them? And why is this fear so powerful that it drives them to emotionally and physically harm another human being?

Perhaps it's the pack mentality of straight guys. Like social animals, they may feel the need to eliminate 'weakness' from their society. And any man that exhibits feminine traits must be an aberration; a weak link in the masculine chain, if you will. Do they fear that femininity is like a virus, with the ability to spread and infect the rest of society? If so, then the bullies have convinced themselves that they are the cure and that it is their task to clean up society from the 'gay menace'. Or perhaps they see a part of themselves in gay people and figure that by eliminating them that they can eliminate that part of themselves as well.

Unfortunately, this macho mentality has ruled our society since its inception. And what, may I ask, has it brought us? A world of materialism. A world that shuns and even punishes emotional expression. A world that still considers the feminine principal to be a sign of weakness. Even today, young boys are told to not act, cry, or perform athletics "like a girl". Even now, youth are taught that anything out of the norm is "gay", thus reinforcing the idea that gay is abnormal.

If you are a happy, gay, bisexual, or transgendered adult then remember that you have the power to show young and confused individuals that it's possible to live a happy and fulfilling life. You have the opportunity to tell your story and show them that they are not alone. And most of all, you have the power to redefine "normal" for these lost youth and to show them that there is NOTHING to be afraid of by being yourself.